My Own Things

Today I shared one of My Own Things, my yoga practice, with our three kids.

That is, I tried.

The O2 Studio (where I practice) offered a free, all ages class to celebrate their second anniversary. Eli has been attending preschool yoga there, and was like a little rooster proudly showing off the studio to his girls. They've been aching to better understand where I spend some of my time away from home, and sipped up every detail. I about died watching Quinn intently "warm up" with poses she's learned from doing Cosmic Kid's Yoga videos at home.

And so it went. A bit sweet. A bit precious. Quite funny. And undeniably frustrating.

Eli, per his usual, was my clown. All wiggles and jokes and not having a minute of the actual yoga.

My Quinn, so serious, so naturally graceful. But demanding way too much of herself, pushing herself to the point of pain in pursuit of perfection.

And London, eager to please. To be noticed for doing well. Not letting her smile falter. Not giving up.

During the final stretches, Eli tried tying my legs in a strap. Quinn burst into tears because she couldn't get the right posture.

We left class early.

When we got home we hustled into snow suits to take advantage of one last hour of sunlight. The yoga mats stayed, forgotten, in a roll on the car floor.

I fixed mittens and brushed snow from bangs.

Early this morning I started reading an article about losing yourself to motherhood. The author wrote about participating in an ice-breaker, how she dreaded the question about how she spends her free time. Her message: what free time?

I didn't finish the article.

I've lost myself before. To motherhood, yes. To boyfriends. To jobs. To dreams. To drinking. Even to one very old house.

Strangely enough, it is through cancer that I found myself again. Cancer taught me that I am the custodian of my own health. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

I don't have any more free time than the next mama. I make choices...sometimes hard choices...to fit in the things that are important for my health...physically...mentally...and spiritually. I let the dishes slide. Look the other way when Jason washes the kids' white socks with his dark ones, because, hey, Jason is washing the kids' socks. Skip social events for medical appointments. Tear myself off the couch when I'd rather just watch another episode of Octonauts (Cone Snails? Cool!).

All of this so I can have a few of My Own Things.

I love playing in the snow with the kids. Sharing my old memories and creating new ones to share.